Afraid of the stranger
By Yvona Fast
Can a parent instill too much stranger danger in their child? As we have seen from the recent news story about Brennan, a Utah Boy Scout lost in the woods for four days while rescuers conducted an intensive search, apparently so.
According to Jody Hawkins, the boy's mother, he was simply following his parents' advice to beware of strangers when he avoided searchers. Afraid of strangers, he got off the trail when he saw an ATV or a horse. His biggest fear was that someone would steal him.[i]
Are we right or wrong in teaching our children that every unfamiliar person is an enemy? We tell them, "Don't talk to a stranger. He might kidnap you, hurt you, or kill you".
But this is far from the truth. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, of the one million children reported missing each year, less than 100 are kidnapped by strangers[ii]. Most are runaways. Others are abducted by relatives. Still, 76% of children feared being kidnapped above anything else.[iii]
I had a similar experience when my mom and I hiked up an Adirondack peak. As we were coming back, elated and exhausted, we noticed a young boy following us. He was bounding along the trail, alone. I tried to start a conversation. "Who are you hiking with?" No answer. "What's your name?" Silence. "Where did you go?" Still nothing. Obviously, he had been taught, "Do not talk to strangers. Strangers might harm you. They are dangerous."
We made it to the parking lot with the boy skipping along behind us, yet staying at a distance, not engaging in conversation. As we approached our car, he stopped and looked around. He didn't see what he expected. He looked scared. There was a loud wail: "Where’s the lodge?" Tears were now streaming down his little face.
When the rest of his party took the trail by Marcy dam, he’d followed us on the road. Whoever he was with didn't notice the child wasn’t with them. We tried to calm him, saying the lodge wasn’t far and offering to drive him there. Afraid, he refused to get into a strange car. As in the Utah case, his mom had drummed into his head the usual safety rules: "Never take a ride from a stranger. Someone might kidnap you, hurt you, even kill you." Yet the probability that another hiker met on the trail is a criminal is remote, while the likelihood of a lost child, tired, hungry, and dehydrated, perishing from exhaustion and exposure in the wilderness because he refused help is quite real.
When I was growing up, though we lived in a large city, my mother taught me: "If you get lost, ask any adult for help. Just make sure you know your name and address." I knew my name and address almost as soon as I could talk. Maybe this made me trusting to the point of gullibility. But I’d rather die trusting than live in constant fear.
We teach our kids, "Beware of strangers. Don't trust anybody. Everyone is your enemy. Everyone is out to get you". But when we view each person we meet as a potential enemy waiting to harm us, our first reaction to others becomes suspicion and fear.
One day, we arrived home to find a strange car in our driveway. My aunt, a city person, said "Don't go up to them. You don't know who they are." She was afraid of the stranger. It was just a neighbor looking for a lost dog.
In some cases, such fear even breeds hostility. This happened several years ago when a Japanese exchange student, looking for a Halloween party, knocked on the door of the wrong Baton Rouge house. He was shot and killed by a resident afraid of the approaching stranger.
Are we becoming an aggressive, paranoid society where everyone expects danger from each person he meets? A trigger-happy culture that shoots first, asking questions later? Perhaps by giving the message, "Beware of strangers. Don't trust anyone. Everyone is your enemy. Everyone is out to get you" we're raising a fearful, hostile generation while thinking we are only trying to protect our children.
Yvona Fast is a freelance journalist and a national disabilities advocacy consultant from Lake Clear, NY.